Living Hell
by Abinikai
Summary: Complete. Remus is a scared werewolf, Sirius a confident peer. When they start to sleep in the same bed innocently as friends, things take a drastic change. Sirius soon become protective and Remus...Remus is confused. SBRL. Warning: SLASH AHEAD.
1. Crush

Author: Abinikai  
  
Title: Living Hell  
  
Fandom: Harry Potter  
  
Generation: Marauders  
  
Year: First  
  
Rating: PG-13 overall (it's really not that bad, just suggestive)  
  
Pairings: JP/LE, RL/SB  
  
Disclaimer: Nope. It's not mine, and I'm flat broke, so obviously I'm not making money off it. So please, don't sue--I don't make enough money as it is!  
  
Dedication: To my brother, Evan, who wanted me to write a HP ficcie, of my design, for him. Poor boy's actually gonna read it, too. I mean, he said "of your design." That's always a bad thing, letting me do what I want to do. My imagination is allowed to run wild! You always keep me on a short leash--always! Otherwise...it gets bad. Let's just leave it at that.  
  
Challenge Specifications: Of my own design. 5 Chapters long. Long Chapters (I didn't really succeed there.)  
  
Chapter One: Crush  
  
Remus looked over at the clock again. It was just past one--after his seventh day at Hogwarts. And he hadn't slept a wink all week, unless he had accidentally fallen asleep in class, which was rare. Dark spots were beginning to culminate below his eyes, and he went through life in a half daze.  
  
It wasn't really his fault, either. He had been this way as long as he could remember. Ever since he was bitten, his mother had slept with him. It helped keep away the nightmares following the bite, and now it just helped him get to sleep. Whenever his mother had gone away for a long while, he either got no sleep, or convinced the baby sitter to sleep in bed with him. Pillows just weren't the same as human bodies, ya know?  
  
No one he knew had this problem, and none of the dorm boys knew about it as far as he knew. Matter of fact, none of the boys was awake as far as he could tell.  
  
That was why he was surprised when he heard his name called out. "Remus...are you awake?"  
  
Remus spun around, and opened his curtains a corner. When they had chosen beds, Remus had gotten the bed next to the biggest window, telling the boys it helped him to sleep, when actually he just wanted to watch the moon's phases. The tall, lanky boy Sirius Black had settled next to him, and then tall, lanky boy's best friend James Potter, who had glasses and was somewhat plump and had a lot of nice looking muscle on him. The other short, fatter boy who stuttered and cried was Peter Pettigrew, whom the wolf insisted on calling Entree. He also got the bed farthest from Remus. Sirius was the only one who looked somewhat unappetizing.  
  
"Yeah, I'm awake." Remus had been a 'good boy' so far, and had not revealed his carnavoristic ideas to the others in the dorm, so they weren't afraid of him--yet. "Why?"  
  
"You're awake every night. Don't you sleep?"  
  
Remus sat up in bed, baring his top--he preferred to sleep without a shirt, as the wolf didn't like clothes in the first place. The only thing that kept his pants on was his human conscience. "I--I have a hard time sleeping." He wouldn't reveal his weakness to a stranger, he just wouldn't-- the wolf wouldn't let him.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Damn the boy for his inquisitive questions. "I'm--I have a hard time sleeping alone."  
  
The boy sat up, suddenly curious. "What do you mean?"  
  
"My Mom always used to sleep with me to keep my nightmares away. My Dad left us, so there's nothing keeping her back."  
  
"When did that start?"  
  
"When I was young." He wouldn't reveal the age, not yet. "It's been so long, I can't remember. But we got used to it, and now I can't sleep without it."  
  
"Interesting. I've never heard of that before."  
  
Remus balked. Wasn't he grossed out? It would surely gross Remus out if it was the other way around.  
  
The next few moments passed in uncomfortable silence, in which Remus would look at Sirius, he would look at Remus and they would both look away. Five or six minutes passed this way, and then Sirius spoke up. "You wanna come sleep over here?"  
  
Remus looked up, suspicion in his eyes. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Come sleep over here. I've seen you fall asleep in class--you desperately need it." Remus couldn't deny the sincerity and naivety of the boy.  
  
"You mean it? It doesn't gross you out?" Because of being bitten, Remus knew everything about "sex" and what went along with it. but obviously this boy didn't.  
  
"How about this. I'm an early riser--I'll just wake you up and you can get out of my bed and back in your own. Then, when everyone's asleep at night, you crawl back in. Work?"  
  
Remus nodded. The people here were so nice, even though Remus didn't deserve it. He was sure they wouldn't be as nice if they knew all about them, but that was okay. The only problem was if he found out, and that could be avoided. Even though the wolf protested furiously, Remus decided not to eat this one--at least, not yet. "Thanks, Sirius."  
  
Remus crawled out of bed and indicated his shirtless chest. "You mind?" Sirius shook his head, and indicated that he had no shirt on as well. Remus crawled in-between the covers and rested a safe distance away from Sirius-- without their bodies touching, but close enough so Remus could feel the other boy's warmth.  
  
However, Sirius had different plans. "I won't bite, you know." Sirius then proceeded to pull Remus close and spoon the golden-haired boy.  
  
Remus tensed at first, then relaxed. This boy really was different.  
  
* * *  
  
Remus got the first good sleep he'd had in a week, and no one found out. It was perfect. This routine continued for another two or three weeks--then Remus started having problems.  
  
Remus would wake up in the morning, semen covering the inside of his boxers. Luckily, he rose earlier than Sirius and was able to get into the shower before Sirius found out, but it was still embarrassing. He never would have thought that he would get a crush on one of his dorm mates, but he had one. He knew that many werewolves turned out to be gay for some unexplained reason, but it was one of those things you never thought would happen to you. And having the crush on one of his dorm mates, who was letting him sleep in the same bed so he could actually get some shut-eye was just wrong.  
  
Of course, Sirius didn't know this. Remus was too good at hiding his tiny crush, and it would be gone soon anyways, so it didn't matter. Crushes never lasted--this was obviously that kind of thing.  
  
The worst part was that the wolf agreed. The wolf often gave Remus desires to kiss the dark-haired boy while he was asleep. This never happened before, and Remus was having a hard time denying it. It was bad enough just having the crush, but this was one of the few times the wolf had agreed with him about anything, and this was about a guy.  
  
Remus went along with everyday life just as before, even though it became harder to resist kissing Sirius around the full moons.  
  
Remus became better friends with Glasses boy and Entree, and even started calling them by their real names, James and Peter. Since the four had every class together, they often studied together and hung out. Remus found that he was obviously the smartest, then Glasses boy, then Sirius and then Entree. Wait--he didn't mean that. Their names are James and Peter. He really didn't mean to call them that.  
  
* * *  
  
One afternoon, Remus and Sirius were studying alone--James had gotten detention from beating up a Slytherin named Snape, and Peter had been there and had gotten roped into the whole detention thing. So that left the two of them alone, studying. It was pure torture for Remus, but it didn't seen to bother Sirius.  
  
"Remus, explain the war of B.C.45. I don't understand the wars, and you explain them so well."  
  
Remus sighed and resigned. This was the third war he'd explained today. "Well, it started for the same kind of reasons as the others. Greed, internal problems, external problems. It's like two friends who are friends so long that they don't see their friendship falling apart, but it happens, and by the time they realize it, it's too late. They're fighting, using each other's weaknesses to tear the other apart. They use anything they can to hurt the other and win. When it's all over, their friendship is ruined, and only one person is the victor. That person, however, is severely depleted, with no self confidence and all their secrets out. All their supplies are gone--that's what a country is after a war. All their supplies, food and people are gone. And only one person is the victor."  
  
"So, what does all of that mean?"  
  
"It means one guy wins and the other loses."  
  
"Who loses?"  
  
This was often how their conversations went, but Remus didn't really mind. It made him feel useful and wanted, something that hadn't happened for a while.  
  
After about an hour of work, the other two still hadn't shown up. Remus suggested a break, as Sirius was beginning to drool, and when he wasn't drooling he made paper airplanes with his notes.  
  
They laid back on the beds, not worrying about anything in the world. Well, Remus was worrying about kissing Sirius, but that's beside the point. Otherwise, the had no worries. "So, Sirius, what's your family."  
  
"Pure blood wizards. You?"  
  
"Half and half. My mom's a witch--my dad's...not."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Another uncomfortable silence. Remus hated uncomfortable silences--they were just so...uncomfortable. He knew he was really good friends with someone when silences were comfortable. But this silence wasn't like that.  
  
"So, where did you go last night?"  
  
Oh crap. That was not the question he had expected. It had been a full moon last night, so he had been locked up in Madame Pomfrey's office so as not to harm anyone. They hadn't yet found a permanent place for his transformations, but that was inconsequential. He was still missing last night, and Sirius was sure to have noticed it.  
  
"I--I was sick."  
  
"It doesn't take that long for Madame Pomfrey to fix something. So where were you."  
  
Remus stood up, suddenly mad. "It doesn't matter, all right! It's none of your business!"  
  
Sirius cowered against the bed post. "I didn't mean to pry, Remus. Sorry."  
  
Remus suddenly drew back. He hadn't meant to get so mad--it was the wolf that had exploded. But Sirius didn't know that, and he couldn't.  
  
"Sorry. Didn't mean to get so angry--forgive me?" Sirius nodded. "I might disappear every so often--pay it no heed. I get sick monthly--I have since I was really little."  
  
"As long as you've been sleeping with your Mom?" Remus nodded. "Okay--I see. I won't ask again. And if anyone else asks, I'll make up something."  
  
Remus nodded and smiled. It was hard to find friends like that, no matter who you were. And Sirius seemed to be telling the truth. "Thanks You have no clue how much that means--maybe one day I'll tell you why I get sick."  
  
Sirius nodded. It was amazing an eleven year old could be that understanding., but Sirius was. He had had many brothers and sisters, and he knew what it meant to be able to have your few secrets that no one else knew. It was beyond important, and Remus looked like he needed some of his secrets to be kept. Living with siblings could mature you quickly.  
  
They went back to studying, but Remus didn't forget what Sirius had said. Remus could tell, almost smell that Sirius meant it, and that meant everything to Remus. He had his first real friend--even if it was the person he had a crush on. Remus would never forget that, not in all his life--it meant that much to him.  
  
* * *  
  
Around Christmas, Remus noticed something amiss. Sirius was waking up in the middle of the night, and getting out of bed. He would go into the bathroom, stay for about ten minutes, and then come back smelling clean and of soap. He would climb back into bed and snuggle right up next to Remus again, then fall back asleep.  
  
Sirius never knew that Remus was awake and knew what he was doing. Matter- of-fact, Sirius didn't know a lot, but that was beside the point. All that really mattered was that Sirius didn't know that Remus knew.  
  
One night, Sirius didn't clean himself well enough. Remus had smelled that smell all too many times, and recognized it immediately. He had often smelled it on himself, but this was a change. This time, he smelled it on Sirius. It was semen. Sirius had gone into the shower to jack off, for some unknown reason.  
  
This new development almost frightened Remus. When did Sirius begin to do things like this? The boy was only eleven--there was no way he would be jacking off this early. True, he was turning twelve in about a month (note to self: buy present), but still. He was too young to know things like that!  
  
Remus thought about this, and then went back to a restless night. He dreamed about Sirius, as he often had before, but this time it was different. Instead of Sirius just undressing and Remus staring at the glorious body in front of him, Remus was kissing the boy--no, those weren't the words for it. Snogging his brains out was more like it.  
  
He woke up early again that morning, and went into the bathroom to clean himself. He turned on the cold tap and sat in the shower for long minutes, thinking of Sirius. Soon, Sirius seemed to be more erotic, and more prominent in his mind. He was touching Remus, down low, around his waist, entwining his fingers in the tufts of hair that decorated his pelvis.  
  
Sirius's hand slipped to his crotch, lightly touching the long shaft of his cock. Then harder, and more firm, faster and faster. Remus came quickly and silently, thinking of Sirius looming over him, naked and giving. Then Remus was done, and Sirius was gone, and the cold, icy water was beating down on him again. This was more than a simple, childish crush.  
  
* * *  
  
Next time, on "Living Hell:" Sirius is curious about where Remus is disappearing to every month, but will Remus tell him? And what about his crush? Does Sirius feel the same? 


	2. Die for You

Author: Abinikai  
  
Title: Living Hell  
  
Fandom: Harry Potter  
  
Generation: Marauders  
  
Year: Second  
  
Pairings: SB/RL, JP/LE  
  
Rating: PG-13 (overall, mind you)  
  
Disclaimer: Alas, I am still a poor, no-money-making writer. Because trust me, if I was making money of any kind of story, it would be my own original works, not some other person's stuff (even if it was really good).  
  
Dedication: To Ashley/Dave/Moonpuppy. I got the "Entree" idea and "Glasses Boy" idea from her, in our beautiful, wonderful RPG (MWPP-RPG on Yahoo! groups, come and visit). Go Ashley-Chan! I get to come back next year--if you don't, call me up and I'll come beg your Grandparents, I promise. I'll do anything! Well...not anything, but close enough. Anyways, you have to pull Senior pranks next year--they'd best be better than the ones this year- -they sucked!  
  
Recap: Last time, on "Living Hell:" we left Remus and Sirius sleeping in the same bed and becoming the best of friends--but to Remus, this might become a little something more--or maybe a lot more. But is Sirius willing to return those feelings?  
  
Chapter Two: Die for You  
  
A year later, and everything was the same. Remus and Sirius were still sleeping together, Sirius still got up at one in the morning to jack off, and Remus still went into the shower every morning to jack off and think about Sirius. There was only one thing different.  
  
Sirius had begun dating. Not the casual, one person every month or two, mind you, but a girl every week kind of dating. Halfway through the year he had snogged every girl in the Gryffindor dorm (including the older ones), and some that were not. He had even experimented with sex, and would often come into the dorm room late at night , to go over to Remus and shake his arm. At that point in time Remus was always awake, and would get up silently and slip into bed with Sirius.  
  
There was never any need for words after these late-night returns--Remus could always smell the left over semen on the young boy, could feel and sense the pent-up sexual excitement. Remus would always retreat to the bathrooms for half an hour or more after these nights. Sometimes he just curled up in the shower stall and cried, cried because Sirius was not his that night, but rather some random, useless, meaningless girl. Other times he would picture the beautiful Sirius above him, pleasing him. It always ended the same in every case--he would come out thoroughly depressed and in need of some major coffee or caffeine, just to lift his spirits.  
  
One day, Sirius asked Remus about this. "Remus, you were in there for the better part of an hour--what were you doing?"  
  
"Taking a shower."  
  
Sirius knew not to bother Remus when the golden boy took this tone of voice, but he still persisted. "A shower doesn't take forty-five minutes-- unless you're a girl, which I know you're not."  
  
"Sirius, just don't ask, okay?"  
  
That was the last straw for Sirius. "It's always 'just don't ask, Sirius!' I mean, come on! For once, could you just tell me what you were doing? You're one big secret, Remus. What's up with that."  
  
Remus's eyes went cold, and his face filled with hate. "I have secrets, Sirius. Secrets that, if you knew them, you would never speak to me again. And I don't want that to happen."  
  
"I don't give a damn what secrets you have! I just want to know you! You know everything about me--down to the very last person I've slept with. I tell you everything, but you tell me nothing, Remus! I trust you, but you don't trust me."  
  
Remus seemed to tower of Sirius, even though he was a good head shorter. "If you trust me so much, trust me that what I am--my secrets--they would hurt you. If you only knew what I go through--"  
  
Sirius cut him off, throwing his hands up in frustration. "That's the thing, Remus, I don't know. No one knows! You don't talk to half the people, even if you do participate in all the pranks we do and all the events that happen. You disappear every month, and come back sore and moody. You have to sleep with someone, or you have terrible nightmares--you even have nightmares when you're sleeping with me. You claw me and scream, and mumble things about moons and smells. I don't know what's up with you! You go into the bathroom every morning, and won't look at me when you come back. What's with you, Remus?"  
  
Remus was seething with anger. "I'll tell you what's with me. I have one of the biggest, most dangerous secrets in the world--and my mother and I are the only ones that know or care about it. My father--he ran out on us when he found out, and took my brother and sister with him. That was when I was five. Five, Sirius! My Dad ran out on me and my Mom when I was five."  
  
Sirius sat back, still angry but some what subdued. "Remus, I just want to know about you. you don't talk about yourself--I don't even know what your favorite color is, Remus, and it worries me."  
  
Remus sat on his bed and cried--it was a good thing James had gone out to snog his new girlfriend Lily, and Pete went out to play chess. Remus had never cried before--especially not at Hogwarts where others could see him. Yeah, once or twice in front of his Mom, and every time Sirius came back late he would cry in the bathroom, but Sirius had never seen him cry.  
  
Sirius sat next to Remus and hugged him. Not the friendly, I'm-there-for- you hugs but the friendship kind of hug. The hug that tells you everything is alright, and that no-matter-what, everything would work itself out. The kind of hug that says 'I'd die for you,' and 'I'll always be there for you.'  
  
At first, Remus tensed at the physical contact, the most intimate they'd been since they had begun to spoon each other their first week, and by now that was habit. Then, as Sirius refused to quit the hug, Remus began to hug back. He buried his head on Sirius's shoulder and cried, until he had no more tears to cry. Having that one secret that no one else knew was the biggest burden for a twelve year old to carry.  
  
Remus sat up and looked at Sirius. He wiped his eyes and stared at his feet for a few moments. Sirius sensed the moment was over and got up and went over to his own bed. Before he had reached the bed, though, Remus stopped him. "I'll--I'll tell you. No, rather, I'll show you. That'll be better, and you'll understand quicker. The next full moon, I'll get you. You can come with me. I don't know what they'll say, but you can come anyways."  
  
"Who are 'they?'"  
  
"Madame Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore."  
  
Sirius nodded. "And when's the next full moon?"  
  
"Six days." Remus's voice became extremely quiet, and the words went almost unheard by Sirius. "Six days until I go insane for a night."  
  
* * *  
  
The next few days passed uneventfully, except for the nervous tension on Remus's side and the expectancy on Sirius's side. Neither James nor Peter noticed anything different, their minds too absorbed in girls.  
  
The afternoon of the full moon, Remus and Sirius were sitting in a secluded corner of the Library. Remus sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to tell the others eventually, too."  
  
Sirius looked up, slightly bemused. "What do you mean, Remy?" Sirius seemed to have picked up a pet name for Remus, and refused to stop calling him that.  
  
"I mean James and Peter. I'll probably have to tell them what I'm going to show you, as well. I'll ask Dumbledore later--right now, you're the only one who's going to know."  
  
"It's that big of a secret?"  
  
Remus nodded. "If you tell anyone, my entire life will be ruined for as long as I live. No one will even speak to me--some people might even try to kill me."  
  
Sirius nodded solemnly. "I understand. My lips are sealed, Remy."  
  
Remus shuddered inwardly at the mention of Sirius's lips. He had become even more intoxicating lately. Remus was always inhaling his scent, studying the boy or imagining Sirius undressing. His grades had suffered little as of yet, but that would surely change if he did not get a grip on himself soon.  
  
That afternoon, Remus ushered Sirius away to the hospital wing immediately after their last class. He had told James that they would be in late that night, as they would be in the Library researching a potion for their report due the following week.  
  
Madame Pomfrey didn't look up when Remus entered, but rather continued to go about her business as if she hadn't noticed him walk in. "There you go, all healed. Now, please, no more playing with the bludgers without teacher supervision," she admonished one student as she finished fixing a broken hand.  
  
She turned towards the door, suddenly acknowledging Remus. "Remus, dear, I've been expecting you. Now, if you can just come this way we can begin." Madame Pomfrey began bustling about her business, obviously not noticing Sirius.  
  
Sirius cleared his throat and Madame Pomfrey suddenly stopped. "Sirius, dear," she said, faltering a little. "What trouble do you have? Broken bone?" Remus could smell the apprehension coming off of her, it was so strong.  
  
"Um, no. Not quite."  
  
Remus stepped forward. "I invited him, Madame Pomfrey. He was curious, and well--it's hard to explain. He just needs to know."  
  
Madame Pomfrey's hand went to her mouth. "Oh my. Oh my, oh my. I must fetch Dumbledore--I will be right back."  
  
A few moments later, Madame Pomfrey appeared again, trailed by Professor Dumbledore. Dumbledore took one look at Sirius and smiled.  
  
"I see a faithful friend has come to see where our dear Remus disappears to every month."  
  
Sirius nodded meekly. "Remus told me I could come, that he would tell me."  
  
Dumbledore nodded, a secretive sparkle in his eyes. "Very well. I know you and Remus are good friends--you will not tell his secret. But I am afraid we can only tell you--you are not allowed to witness his transformation, no matter how curious."  
  
"Transformation?" asked Sirius, suddenly confused.  
  
Remus spoke up, meekly looking at his feet. "Siri--remember I told you it was a secret everyone would shun me for? Well, that's the thing. I'm a werewolf."  
  
Sirius took a step back. Remus looked at him, pain filling his face. "It's alright, Sirius. I understand--I don't blame you one bit, really. I wouldn't want to be friends with a werewolf, either."  
  
Sirius took one look at that pitiful face and caved. He ran over and hugged Remus tightly, saying, "Remus, I was just surprised. Don't worry, I won't leave you."  
  
Remus looked up, tears in his eyes. "Thanks." He returned the hug enthusiastically, pressing his head into the warm shoulder of the taller boy.  
  
Madame Pomfrey cleared her throat, and both boys drew back, abashed. Dumbledore was smiling mischievously, though, as if he knew a secret joke that no one else did. "Remus, I'm afraid it's time for you to get ready. We don't have the Shack ready yet, so you have one more night in here, I'm afraid."  
  
"What Shack?" asked Sirius curiously.  
  
Dumbledore replied this time. "The Shrieking Shack, down in Hogsmeade. It's the safest place for Remus to have his transformations that we can think of. It's just too dangerous here on campus."  
  
Sirius nodded, understanding fully. Then he watched as Madame Pomfrey took Remus into a small, white room with a small, metal cage. There were claw marks on the cage, showing previous times in which Remus had been in the room. To Sirius, the room was very uninviting and cold. He would never want to be in this place, no matter what the occasion--and Remus spent a night in it every month.  
  
Madame Pomfrey proceeded to chain Remus up so as to prevent as much bodily harm as possible. Then many charms were placed on Remus and his chains and locks. Then the door was shut, locked and charmed shut. All the reasons for this security were explained to Sirius as Madame Pomfrey did each thing. Sirius understood the full measures of precautions that they were taking to ensure the safety of everyone at the school, but he still believed it to be cruel and unusual punishment.  
  
* * *  
  
Sirius stayed the night in the Hospital wing, sleeping on the bed nearest the door that led to Remus's room. Around six thirty in the morning Madame Pomfrey bustled out of her room and commenced unlocking the room. Sirius watched with tired interest, trying to stay awake as Madame Pomfrey continued to unlock the numerous spells on the door.  
  
To keep Sirius awake, the nurse sent him to get water and bandages out of her room. By the time he returned with the supplies, Madame Pomfrey was nearly through the door. He set the things down on the bed and stood next to her as she unlocked the last spell and opened the door.  
  
Sirius gasped, not wanting to believe what he was seeing. There, covered in his own blood, was Remus. He was lying sprawled on the floor of the cage, without a shred of clothing on him. Sirius mentally gasped at this sight, but let no outward sign that he was enamored with Remus's show.  
  
Remus's body was torn and bloody, and all of the wounds were obviously self- inflicted. He was lying there, unconscious and looking perfectly innocent and helpless, and Sirius couldn't help but fall in love immediately.  
  
He had always known he was attracted to the strange, golden-haired boy called Remus, but he had never felt this way about Remus, or this strongly. All Sirius wanted to do was cradle the boy in his arms and tell the boy that everything would be alright.  
  
Madame Pomfrey busied herself by stemming the blood flow from the large wounds, and then healing the numerous smaller wounds completely. She asked for the bandages, and Sirius rushed to retrieve them from the bed. He then watched Madame Pomfrey wash and bind the large wounds that were beyond her to heal completely without help. She placed a spell on the wounds, however, explaining that by noon the wounds would be fully scabbed, and about three hours later there would be no trace of the gashes to be found, even if Remus would be somewhat sore afterwards.  
  
Soon after his last wound was bandaged, Remus was moved to the bed next to the door. It was the same one that Sirius had slept in the night before. He woke up about an hour later, groggily opening his eyes.  
  
The first thing Remus saw was Sirius leaning over him, concern etched in his face. "Siri..." he murmured. It was the first time he had felt good upon waking up after a transformation, and for more than one reason.  
  
"Hey Remy. How are you?" Sirius reached for Remus's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.  
  
Remus smiled, if weakly. "Good. You?"  
  
"I'm good. Worried 'bout you, but good."  
  
"You stayed...thanks Siri."  
  
"Of course I stayed, you silly git. We're friends, remember? Friends watch out for each other."  
  
Remus smiled, somewhat stronger. Then Madame Pomfrey came over and bustled Sirius out of the way, telling the tall Gryffindor that Remus needed his rest and that Sirius could see him later that afternoon.  
  
* * *  
  
At lunch, Sirius sat dejectedly at the Gryffindor table. He still hadn't seen Remus since Madame Pomfrey had thrown him out of the Hospital Wing, and he was worried over the golden boy that he loved.  
  
Sirius turned around quickly when he was tapped on the shoulder, surprised and almost angry at being bothered. However, when he saw Remus standing over him, his mouth widened into a smile and the immediately stood up and threw his arms around the smaller boy.  
  
"I was worried about you."  
  
Remus hesitated, then returned the hug. "I know. That's what makes me feel better. No one's ever been worried but my mother, before. You're the first true friend I've ever had."  
  
"And I wouldn't have it any other way."  
  
James, who had been sitting next to Sirius, cleared his throat. "Now, I know you're both queer, but could you at least demonstrate your passion for each other in a private place--I'm trying to eat her."  
  
Both boys drew back, somewhat embarrassed from their antics. They had just shared an intimate hug in one of the most public places in the school, and everyone had been able to see them. They sat down, then began to eat in an uncomfortable silence.  
  
Peter walked up a few moments later, face flushed with the latest event that happened. "James, I've been looking for you. It seems that Professor Dumbledore wants to see us."  
  
Sirius and Remus exchanged knowing glances, but James just looked confused. "What ever it is this time, I really, truthfully didn't do it! I swear!"  
  
"He said we're not in trouble."  
  
"Oops. Reaction." James got up and followed Peter to Dumbledore's office, which James already knew by heart. The one picture above Dumbledore's desk, of the latest headmaster, always watched him suspiciously. And there was that stain on the corner of the Headmaster's desk which never seemed to go away, no matter how hard James stared at it.  
  
Sirius and Remus got up together a minute later. Remus said, "I gotta go find out what I missed in Transfiguration."  
  
"Not much. The teacher droned on and on, recapping what we did yesterday, so it was somewhat boring. I'll come with you."  
  
Remus smiled at his tall friend. "I'm not breakable, Sirius. You don't have to follow me around like if you don't someone's gonna hurt me."  
  
"I know you're not breakable, but I like to believe it." The two walked off to Transfiguration laughing like good friends would laugh.  
  
* * *  
  
Next time, on "Living Hell:" What will James and Peter say to this new development? And how long will this close bond last? 


	3. Queer

--dodges flying sharp objects-- Um...how do I put this...Forgive me? Please? I'm sorry? I bow down at your feet and hope you will take pity on my poor, defenseless soul? Okay, so there really is no excuse. It's been far too long. I'll spare you the long story; let's just say it involves two computers that don't take the same kind of floppy disk and another computer that crashed. After a recent death threat I figured I really needed to update, and I took the initiative to get off my lazy ass...and look at it this way. At least I'm going to spare you the unnecessary beginning this time...Okay, okay. You're screaming at me. On with the story!

James and Peter came back that night ands stared at Remus in awe, and in fear. Sirius pitied Remus, but there was nothing he could do about it. James and Pete would just have to figure things out on their own--and not tell.  
  
James was the first to speak. "You've been a werewolf this entire time--" a wide grin spread across his face-- "and you didn't tell us? That is so cool!" Leave it to James to take everything in a good way, no matter how bad it looked.  
  
Peter just cowered in a corner. Remus saw this and spoke up. "Don't worry, Pete--I haven't tried to eat you yet, have I? I'm not as dangerous as being a werewolf seems to make me--the only time I'm dangerous at all is during the transformation, and you don't have to worry about that. Madame Pomfrey has me locked up well."  
  
Peter nodded, fear still etched on his face, though he did seem somewhat relieved. James came over and sat on the bed opposite Remus and Sirius, who had been going over the Transfiguration that Remus had missed.  
  
"So, how long have you been a werewolf?" he asked.  
  
Sirius shot James and incredulous look, not believing that James would dare to ask such a question, but Remus just smiled and laughed. Not many people would be enthusiastic about meeting a werewolf--James was just different. Remus had thought that if James and Peter found out, then he would be shunned and ignored. Obviously, it was quite the opposite. "Seven years now, and counting."  
  
"Really? That is so cool!"  
  
Remus's face darkened. "Actually," he said, tears coming to his face, "it's not. It hurts like hell, and no one can be around me because they'd probably get bitten, so I don't even have company or a hand to hold. And I always do this." Remus lifted his shirt so James could see the large gash across his stomach. James withdrew a little, and Peter gasped. "See? It'll be gone by three, but still--it hurts."  
  
James nodded, and Pete came forward a few steps. "We won't tell," said Peter, so quiet the other three had to strain to hear him. "At least, I won't."  
  
James nodded solemnly. "No, I won't either. Anyways, Dumbleydore threatened to turn us into sour Lemon Drops if we even thought about telling, and personally, I believe he knows every little secret we could ever have--he reads minds, I tell you!"  
  
This gave Remus a reason to laugh, and Sirius joined in on the laughter. Remus already knew Sirius wouldn't tell--the black-haired boy had assured him of this numerous times in the past hour, to the point of being annoying.  
  
"So," began James, a mischievous look coming across his face, "wanna prank the Slytherins tonight? Pete and I caught some Grindylows while we had Detention, and I've been dying to let them loose in the Slytherin Common Room."  
  
Remus looked over at James, a light in his eyes. "We don't even know where the Slytherin dorm is, let alone the password to get in. How do you suppose we manage that?"  
  
James sat down, his plans suddenly ruined. "I dunno. We need a master map of Hogwarts, that's the thing. That'd be so much fun, and we could perform so much havoc!"  
  
Sirius laughed. "Yeah, but where do you suppose we get a master plan of Hogwarts?  
  
"I bet Hogwarts has so many secret passageways, it's not even funny!" James was obviously enthusiastic.  
  
Remus looked thoughtful. "There's probably a map somewhere in the Library or something, if we take the time to find it."  
  
"We could at least construct a map of the grounds as far as we know," said Peter, not as enthusiastic about the work that was sure to follow.  
  
"And we could magic it," said Remus, "so that the map knows all the passwords, and everyone who's walking around on the grounds."  
  
Sirius laughed. "Yeah, too bad that would take years to just collect the data to make the darn thing." And thus, the idea for the Marauder's Map was born.

* * *

A month later, Sirius was sleeping uneasily. Remus had gone to the Shrieking Shack to have his transformation, and Madame Pomfrey insisted that Sirius stay behind and not even know the way to the shack.  
  
Sirius got no sleep all night, and time passed slowly. Finally dawn began to creep over the horizon. Sirius, tired of staying in bed, went to the window and watched the sun rise. Now he knew what Remus meant by needing someone to sleep with, especially when it had become habit.  
  
Sirius took a double take when he saw Madame Pomfrey walking decidedly across the lawn in front of Hogwarts and over to where the Whomping Willow was standing. He saw Pomfrey take out her wand and recite something that he couldn't hear. After a few seconds a bright blue light shot out and hit a knob of the tree that had begun thrashing angrily around. The tree suddenly stopped in mid swing, and a hole appeared in the tree. Madame Pomfrey walked through this hole and disappeared.  
  
Now Sirius was curious. Would Remus be down there? Sirius snatched James's invisibility cloak out of his trunk and snuck down the corridors to the front door. Carefully looking around, he opened the door and snuck through, then made his way to the Whomping Willow.  
  
Sirius arrived just in time to see Madame Pomfrey haul Remus out of the tree and lay him on the ground a safe distance from the swinging branches of the tree. He couldn't see exactly what she was doing, but he knew she was healing the poor boy on the ground.  
  
Sirius, without any regard for breaking the rules (not that he doesn't break them regularly, mind you), dropped the cloak and ran to Madame Pomfrey's side. She looked up at him and rolled her eyes. "I knew you would find him sooner or later. Now, make yourself useful and run and get me some water and bandages."  
  
Sirius rushed to the Hospital Wing, got the bandages and returned in record time. He couldn't have done it faster if he had apparated, that was for sure. He watched worriedly as Madame Pomfrey tended to the wounds, then helped the nurse levitate Remus into the Hospital Wing. There, he sat until Remus woke up.  
  
"Hey Siri. What's up?"  
  
"Not much, Remy. Saw the entrance to the Shrieking Shack."  
  
Remus smiled weakly, and Sirius's heart went out to the boy. "Somehow I knew you'd find me tonight. How'd you sleep?"  
  
"Not at all."  
  
Remus looked worriedly at Sirius. "What do you mean, 'not at all?'"  
  
"I was worried about you." This time Remus's smile was much larger. He nodded and went back to sleep, his hand clasped around Sirius's as if it was the only thing keeping him alive.  
  
Madame Pomfrey let Sirius stay this time, as it was a Sunday and there would be no classes. Sirius watched over Remus for a few hours, and when Remus finally woke up they went back to the dorm together. The transformation wasn't mentioned again, but they both knew it was there, and that made it uncomfortable between them.  
  
Every transformation following that one, Sirius helped Madame Pomfrey. He was never allowed to go and get Remus, but he always brought the bandages and water, and on weekends or mornings he didn't have class, he would dutifully stay by the bed until Remus was ready to go. When Sirius did have to go to class, he would take meticulous notes and tell Remus all that happened in class, down to the very last word said.  
  
James and Peter helped as well, but not as much or with as much fervor. They never shunned Remus, even if Peter did often look extremely scared of Remus the morning after the transformation. They knew that if they even tried to help, Sirius would probably bite their throats and tell them to leave, so they just supported Remus and included him in all that they did.

* * *

Remus had a hard time sleeping that summer, even with his Mom curled up in bed with him. He often tried to get his Mom to spoon him, but she always wanted to press him against her chest and hold him there while they slept. He didn't have nightmares, but he never slept well either.  
  
Transformations were also hell. There was no Sirius to wake up to, no warm, protective hand grasping his own hand so hard it might break. There was also no James or Peter to pull a prank with the night after the transformation, though that didn't matter as much as Sirius. His mom didn't really notice, and he didn't let on that he would much rather be at school with his friends. Truth be told, his mom didn't even know that his friends knew about his--affliction.  
  
Sirius also had a hard time sleeping. He owled Remus daily, and Remus owled back, but it was always hard getting to sleep. He tried molding a pillow to Remus's shape, but that didn't really work well--Remus was right. There was no substitute for a human body. On full moons he especially got no sleep. It was literally impossible. He was always wondering where Remus was, and in the mornings he worried about Remus's wounds.  
  
The morning after transformations, Sirius would bombard Remus with ten or more letters, all asking how he was and how the transformations went. His mother never read Remus's letters, so there was no danger of her finding out about Sirius's knowledge. In truth, she was just glad Remus had a friend or three at Hogwarts, because about once a week, Peter and James would also send letters.  
  
The first day back to school was highly anticipated by all four friends. Sirius had come up with an idea to be with Remus on his transformations, and he wanted Remus to know. He also wanted to just see Remus, hold him in his arms--and get a good nights sleep.  
  
Sirius stood on the platform impatiently, his eyes darting around for any flash of gold. James and Peter had already gotten on the train, and were reserving a private compartment near the back so they could be together.  
  
"Sirius!" Sirius spun around on his heels and sprinted to the sound, coming from directly behind him. There was Remus, and the lady who must be his mother--Remus got his hair from her, that was for sure.  
  
Sirius wrapped Remus in a tight, warm, caring hug and only let go when Remus complained about loss of breath. Both boys were happy, and Remus's mother was smiling on them with all the love in her heart. "Hi, you must be Sirius. Remus talks about you all the time." Remus's mother held out her hand and greeted Sirius, saying her name was Aria Lupin.  
  
"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Lupin. I'm just glad you brought your son back."  
  
Aria smiled and laughed. "Please, call me Aria. One, 'Mrs. Lupin' makes me feel old, and two, any friend of my son is a better friend of me."  
  
Aria watched as her boy and his friend walked, almost ran onto the train. The last words she heard were, "Remy, James and Pete are on the train! I was so worried about you all summer, Remy! I just couldn't sleep!" Her son truly had friends.

* * *

The first week of school was pure torture for Remus. Sure, he had Sirius, James and Peter back, and he could finally sleep well at night, but Sirius had started dating again with a new fervor. A month into the year he had already had five girlfriends and twelve midnight flings with girls other than the ones he was dating.  
  
Sirius wouldn't tell Remus, but to get some good sleep at night over the summer, he had often went to bars to get drunk so that he would pass out later. One night he had gotten too drunk, and a woman had taken him home, and, well, the rest was history. That was the fifth week into summer--after that, he went to the bar two or three times a week, met up with different people and went back to their houses, to a hotel room, or even a car.  
  
Sure, he had had sex before, but not as much as this summer, and he had gained more experience that summer than any boy should ever know, even though he wasn't even fourteen until December. He was sure if Remus knew, the boy would be hurt. He had also discovered that he liked men just as much as women, if not more. He had had an idea the previous year that he really like Remus, but he thought that was friendship after much thinking and working it out. Now that he knew he was bi, he also knew he really was in love with Remus.  
  
The only problem was, he knew Remus wasn't in love with him. Remus was probably a perfectly straight guy, and there was nay and cry his heart out. Remus only wanted Sirius, but there were two problems: the wolf, and he didn't know that Sirius was gay. So he would go into the bathrooms, cry, wash and come back out, and Sirius would never know.

* * *

The first month, Sirius did some major researching. He even went into the Restricted Section a few times to get books that might help him on his new project. All anyone knew about it was that it needed researching, and that scared some people--Sirius, actually hitting the books by choice?  
  
One day, Remus was getting a book for a paper and he found Sirius in one of the more reclusive corners with books piled around him. Remus used his wolf instincts to sneek up on Sirius and see what he was reading. The Secrets of the Animagus: How to Transform and amaze your friends.  
  
"Sirius, what are you doing?"  
  
Sirius jerked his head up, his eyes full of surprise and mild fear. He relaxed when he saw it was just Remus. "Well, I didn't really want to tell you until I knew it could happen, but I have an idea on how to accompany you during your transformations."  
  
Remus sat down next to Sirius. "Go on."  
  
"Well, the wolf is only interested in humans, right? If me, James or Peter could become Animagus, then we could accompany you without fear."  
  
"It's risky. You sure you wanna try it, Sirius?"  
  
"Anything for you, my dear Remy." If only Remus knew how true that was, thought Sirius. If only.  
  
"Will James and Peter agree?"  
  
"I already told James, and Peter will if we do. He's one of those people that has to be part of the group."  
  
Remus nodded, his practicality trying to find a loop hole that could get someone hurt. "True. But what if something goes wrong, and someone has to transform back?"  
  
"That's our risk, and we can choose to take it or not." Remus nodded, consenting. The Animagus transformations was hard anyways, and Sirius would probably lose interest before he got very far. Then there would be no problems, and no chance that anyone would get hurt.  
  
"Thanks, Sirius."

* * *

That night was especially hard for Remus. He waited up all night, but Sirius never came back. Not until an hour before dawn, when he slipped into bed without even glancing towards Remus.  
  
Remus got up as soon as he saw Sirius slip into bed and flung back the curtains on the boy's bed. "Where the hell were you?" he hissed, not wanting to wake the others. Tears had begun to make their way down his face again, just like they had been doing all night.  
  
"Out."  
  
"With who?"  
  
Sirius looked up, trying to hide his surprise. "I wasn't out with anyone, Remus."  
  
Remus scowled and placed a Silencing Charm around the bed so that they would not be heard. Never the less, he still whispered. "Liar. I'm part wolf, Sirius, and I can smell like a wolf, and I can tell that you had sex. So with who."  
  
Sirius was slightly taken aback at the venom, hate and hurt in Remus's voice. Still, he didn't want to answer no matter what. "It's my business, Remus. Not yours."  
  
Remus waved his hands wildly, and for a moment Sirius thought the boy would hit him. "Yes, Sirius, it is. It is more my business than the person you had sex with." Remus spit out the word 'sex' as if it were poisonous, and Sirius wanted to cry.  
  
Sirius looked down at his feet. Remus could always tell when he was lying, but how could he tell Remus that he had slept with a guy that night? "Mark Travis. The Ravenclaw."  
  
Remus almost fell over he was so surprised. "Oh."  
  
Sirius looked away, wondering if Remus would shun him now. He didn't want Remus to find out this way--he didn't even want Remus to find out, period. "Are you happy now?" Sirius was surprised at the hate in his own voice. "I'm queer. Now you know. So just--go sleep in your own bed, if you're that uncomfortable."  
  
Remus sat on the bed next to Sirius and lifted his head with one hand. "I don't think that's strange at all. I just didn't think you swung that way. For how long?"  
  
"For a while, but I found out this summer. At a bar, when I had too much to drink and I actually enjoyed it enough to go back for more the next night."  
  
"Oh." Remus hated hearing about Sirius's sex life, but he had asked so there was nothing he could say without offending his friend.  
  
"You really don't mind?" Sirius looked at him with tears in his eyes, his voice pleading.  
  
Remus shook his head. "Nope. I'm queer myself--most werewolves are. You can read that in Mating Habits of the Wolf, page fifty-five, paragraph three."  
  
"You must've read that book one too many times."  
  
Remus laughed. "Must've." The uncomfortable silence was pushed back further, but it was still painfully there. Now they both knew the other's sexuality preference--but did that mean that the other liked him? 


	4. Ecstacy

It was Christmas, and Sirius and Remus were the only ones staying. Usually James and Peter stayed as well, but both of their parents wanted them home for the break. Not many others were staying either--no one was here from Slytherin, two from Hufflepuff, seven from Ravenclaw and Gryffindor had four, including Remus and Sirius.  
  
The first day was spent in idle laziness, with both Remus and Sirius staying in the dorm all day talking, only venturing out for food at dinner. The week passed slowly, with Remus helping Sirius research the Animagus transformation and only two letters from James and one from Peter.  
  
When Christmas morning finally came, Remus and Sirius were already ready for the break to be over. They woke up a little later that day (no one was in the dorm room to be grossed out by them sleeping together anyways), and then got up. Breakfast was laid out in the common room, consisting of doughnuts, bagels, French toast and pancakes, as well as a healthy serving of Butterbear.  
  
"Remy," said Sirius as they reached the bottom of the stairs, "look at all the good food!"  
  
They dug in immediately, eating all they could fit into their stomachs and then some. Then around eleven, after lying on the couches and being unable to move, they made their way to the presents.  
  
Remus smiled when he saw a small box from Sirius, and then another, larger box as well. James had sent him a present, and Peter as well. A girl he didn't know sent him one, as well as his mom. Sirius, unlike Remus, had so many presents he couldn't count them. Most of them were from girls who secretly admired him--things like food and candy, or a quill, or some other useless thing that he never needed.  
  
Sirius told Remus to open the small present last, when they were up in their room. Curious, Remus set it off to the side. First, he opened the large present from Sirius--to find it was a multitude of things. There were books, quills, beautiful paper and more. On the bottom, there was a golden- brown cloak, which Remus immediately tied over his pajamas.  
  
Sirius smiled when he saw Remus wearing his present. "I knew you'd like it. It even matches your eye color! It also has a bunch of protection charms, and it'll never wear down or tear." Remus smiled at Sirius's enthusiasm, then watched as Sirius opened his own present. Sirius pulled a necklace out of the box. It was a steel chain, on which a single tooth was hanging.  
  
"During the last transformation one of my teeth fell out. Madame Pomfrey put a new one in, but I kept this one. I decided you might like it." Sirius sprung up and embraced Remus in one of his famous hugs that stole Remus's breath and crushed him. Remus inhaled Sirius's scent, intoxicatingly strong. Remus could never get enough of that smell. "Like it?" he managed to wheeze out.  
  
"More than you'll ever know, Remy." Sirius drew back, finally allowing the boy to catch his much needed breath and examined the necklace. "Thank you, Remy. Thanks."  
  
Remus ended up getting a muggle book from Peter, with a note that said he might enjoy the book. James gave him a multitude of books (Remus wondered if his friends thought he liked to read), a beautiful painting of a crescent moon over a lake, as well as a bunch of exploding snaps with instructions to set them off at the Christmas Dinner.  
  
From the girl he didn't know, he got a silver watch, with an engraving of the sun and the moon on the back. Remus discarded it in the pile of things he received, not really caring about it as much as the other things; anyways, it wasn't like he could wear it. From his Mom he got a bunch of chocolates (his favorite) and a letter. He knew his family didn't have a lot of money to spare, so just this much meant a lot to him.  
  
Sirius got a broom cleaning kit from James, and from he got a Quidditch poster from Peter. Remus looked for presents from Sirius's parents, but didn't see any. This happened every year, and Sirius had told him their first year not to worry about it and that his family didn't see the point in Christmas, but Remus still felt bad. Even his Mom, who had no money to spare, had sent him a box of his favorite chocolates.  
  
They finished opening presents around noon, and then went back up to their dorm room to drop of their new things. Remus curiously fiddled with the small present from Sirius, but didn't say anything. It was surprisingly light, and Remus was more then curious, but Sirius would tell him to open it at the right time.  
  
That night, Sirius still hadn't told Remus to open the present. It sat on the night stand between their two beds, still unopened. They were in their pajamas before Sirius even mentioned it.  
  
"So, you still haven't opened your second present, have you, Remy?"  
  
Remus shook his wet head (he had just come from a relaxing shower) and sat next to Sirius. "Nope. Can I open it now?"  
  
Sirius gulped, looking almost nervous, but he handed the package to Remus anyways. "I'm not holding you back."  
  
Remus took the present and turned it over a few times. He tried not to concentrate on his thigh touching Sirius's leg, or Sirius's hand resting casually on Remus's knee, or how close Sirius was, but that was failing.  
  
So instead of thinking about it more, he untied the neat-looking bow and took off the top of the box. There, sitting alone inside the box was a steel chain with a cresent moon on it. Remus took it out and stared at it, then put it on. He hadn't noticed that Sirius was no longer touching him, and that his hand was no longer there. Instead, he fingered the necklace as he took out the sheet of paper on the bottom of the box.  
  
_Dear Remy,  
  
This is a token of my appreciation for your friendship. It's meant to remind you that I will always be there for you, and that no matter what, I will be your friend. I have one last present for you. James and Pete will show you their last present when they get back, but I want to show you mine now, with you as my only audience. So look up.  
  
Love, Sirius.  
_  
Remus read the letter one more time, a little slower, then looked up at Sirius. Except, Sirius wasn't there anymore. In his place was a large black dog, with its tongue loling out of its mouth and its face crinkled up in a smile. The dog wagged its tail and barked once.  
  
"Sirius!" Remus threw his arms around the large dog, finding that much of is size was due to the thick, shaggy hair on its body. "I love it, I really love it!"  
  
After Sirius changed back, he told Remus that James and Peter had reached their Animagus transformations as well, and that they had all come up with nicknames, to be revealed when the other two were back.  
  
They stayed up all night talking, discussing everything from unimportant, everyday things to deep things that no one else knew. It was one of the best days of Remus's life, and the same for Sirius. Sirius couldn't even think of a better day, no matter how hard he tried. He would only have one better day in his life, and that was yet to come for him--not that he would know that.  
  
The rest of the break passed too quickly for Remus and Sirius, who had become closer than ever deemed possible. By the time James and Peter returned, the full moon was a short two days away.  
  
James and Peter showed Remus their transformations. James was a tall deer, with large horns that looked like they would pull him to the floor. Peter was a tiny rat, with beady black eyes and shiny brown fur. Remus cried when he saw all three of his friends transformed into animals, just so they could be with him when he transformed every full moon. James said there was one ulterior motive on his part--now he could get around campus without anyone knowing who he was, even if he was getting around as a large deer, and that he would be horrendously noticeable and out of place.  
  
They also told Remus their new nicknames, come up with so that they could talk about those nights with Remus without fear of being overheard and understand. James was to be Prongs, Peter was Wormtail, Sirius was Padfoot, and Remus was to be referred to as Moony. Remus liked his new name, even if it did link him to the one thing he hated most.  
  
That night, Remus and Sirius sat up in bed and talked about the days events. A silencing charm was around the bed, so they didn't fear being overheard, but they still talked quietly. It seemed to Remus that he and Sirius were staying up late and talking more than they were sleeping nowadays, but it didn't bother him. He still woke up in the morning refreshed, and the only days they really talked late was on weekends.  
  
Somehow, though, this night was different. It seemed like Remus and Sirius were sitting closer, and were exchanging more secretive glances and more enthusiastic smiles. It was driving Remus crazy, to think that he had Sirius right here, but he couldn't even kiss the tall, dark-haired god in front of him.  
  
"Remus?" asked Sirius, his voice even quieter.  
  
"Yeah?" asked Remus, happy just to be with Sirius, even if he wasn't fully content.  
  
"Can I tell you something?" Sirius's voice cracked, and Remus could tell he was nervous. Remus nodded and motioned for Sirius to continue. "I--I have one secret from you. Only one, but it kills me that you don't know." Remus knew what he meant, for the only secret he ever kept from Sirius was his love.  
  
"Go on."  
  
"Well, do you still have that letter? The one you got with your necklace?"  
  
Remus smiled, and his hand went to the necklace. It never came off, not even in the shower. Sirius seemed to be the same with his necklace, and would get overly defensive when others asked what it was, and if they could see it. He even punched a Slytherin who teased him and tried to take it off. Remus leaned over to his bed stand and opened the drawer. After some rummaging about, he found the letter and pulled it out. "Never even thought of getting rid of it, Siri. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Read the last two words." Sirius gulped.  
  
Remus had the letter memorized, but he looked down at the paper anyways. He mentally gasped when he realized where this conversation might be headed, but he kept his voice steady. "'Love, Sirius.' What about it?"  
  
Remus looked up from the letter to find that Sirius was closer to Remus then he ever had been before tonight, except in a hug or when they were asleep, and those instances didn't count. Sirius's breath came ragged and warm on Remus's face, and his eyes searched Remus's face for some sign of anything that might reveal Remus's feelings.  
  
"Exactly what it says, Remy. Exactly what it says." Sirius leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on the golden-haired boy's lips. The kiss didn't last more than an instant, and was so light Remus almost didn't feel it, but it was long enough for Remus to taste Sirius's warm lips and wish he could live that moment over until he died.  
  
Sirius pulled back suddenly, so that he was on the opposite side of the bed. "I'm sorry Remus. I--I got carried away in the moment. I didn't mean to tell you--I don't want us to be estranged, but--" Sirius's babblings went on unnoticed by Remus. He sat there, at the head of the bed, completely and totally immobile.  
  
After a few more minutes of Sirius babbling on and on, Remus interrupted him. "Cut the crap, Sirius."  
  
Sirius stopped mid-sentence. "What, Remy?" His voice was cracking, and he had tears forming in his eyes.  
  
Remus crawled over to the other end of the bed, where Sirius was cowering like a scared dog. "Just stop." Remus pulled Sirius close and held him there, wrapping his strong arms around the nervous boy's torso and holding him as if he would never let go. "You don't know how badly I've wanted that, Padfoot. You just don't know."  
  
Remus pulled back and looked up into Sirius's confused eyes. Remus laughed at the look of bewilderment on his face. "Don't you get it, Sirius? I've liked you since the first week of school, when we began sleeping together!"  
  
As Sirius began to realize what Remus was saying, his eyes widened. He then pulled Remus into another warm embrace. After a few seconds, Sirius pulled back again. "I love you, Remus." He leaned forward and placed another warm kiss or Remus's lips. Remus melted into his new lover's arms, not even able to summon the will to kiss back.  
  
Sirius and Remus made their way to the head of the bed, though how they got there was a mystery to Remus. The kiss never deepened into tongue, for both were content just to wrap arms around waist and kiss.  
  
They fell asleep an hour later, kiss-swollen lips sated beyond belief. They stayed wrapped in each other's arms until they were rudely awoken by James, who jumped on them and asked them why they looked like they were on ecstasy last night and had lost all sense of judgment and had rabid sex last night.  
  
Sirius looked up at James and smiled, pulling Remus closer at the same time. "No, there was no sex, but I think I'm still on ecstasy." James grimaced and left the two love birds to each other, seeing as they had begun kissing again.

* * *

A/N: A special thanks to **wanttoshagremus, Sai, **and **Elizabeth Patil, **for pointing out my mistakes. I did my best to correct them. Where would I be without you three? Well...I would look like an idiot for all following readers. 

**A/N2:** **Please REVIEW!!!! It's really easy! You click that button to the bottom-left and you type in words telling me how much you loved (or hated) it!**


	5. Transformation

**Year**: Third and Fourth  
**Dedication**: To my buddy, Abby Perrin. She doesn't know what slash is, but this is still to her. I just spent all day riding with her, riding horses and hanging out--did I say riding horses? I'm going to be very sore tomorrow while taking my exam, mostly because I haven't ridden a horse in about three years. So this is to you, Abby, even though you'll probably never read it.  
**A/N:** Again, I'd like to thank **wanttoshagremus, Sai,** and **Elizabeth Patil,** for pointing out my mistakes in the last chapter. I know I thanked them at the end of the last chapter, but I figured I'd say it again. For those who haven't realized, the last chapter was revised. I think I avoided the same mistakes in this chapter, but I can't be sure.

* * *

The afternoon before Remus's transformation, Sirius, James and Peter were hiding under the invisibility cloak. Madame Pomfrey came down with Remus, and the golden-haired boy looked in the direction of his three friends. They watched carefully as Madame Pomfrey hit the knob on the tree, memorizing which one it was so they could get to it later.  
  
Once Madame Pomfrey had left, they threw off the cloak and hid it under a nearby bush. They then proceeded to change into their transformations. Wormtail went under the swinging branches of the tree and hit the knob on the tree, and the branches stilled.  
  
All three animals approached the tree cautiously and went down the opening. The opening closed behind them, and they were immersed in darkness. They proceeded to make their way down the tunnel, lit dimly by glowing fungus.  
  
They finally reached the end of the tunnel, to be confronted by a door. As they were all animals, they had no way of opening the door. Also, there was probably a locking charm on the door, and there was little chance that one of them would be able to change back before the wolf attacked.  
  
To say the least, they were thoroughly surprised when the door seemed to open on its own will. "Come in quickly," said Remus. "It's close to moonrise, and I won't be able to hold it off much longer."  
  
The three animals rushed in, and Padfoot stood by Remus protectively as he shut the door and locked it behind him, using as many charms as could be counted on both hands to guard the door shut. "The wolf can't open doors, nor can he perform spells, so all I have to do is place a couple locking charms and unbreakable charms and lock the door behind me. We only have a few more seconds."  
  
Padfoot wagged his tail sat down next to Remus. Remus bent down and placed a kiss on top of the dog's head and stood back up. Then the transformation started. It was horrible, and all of them wished they could look away--but they were compelled and entranced by the gruesome change.  
  
First, Sirius could hear Remus's bones cracking and changing, reforming to become more like a wolf's. This put Remus down on his hands and feet, already looking more like a wolf in less than a minute. His face elongated to form a muzzle, and some of his bones broke the skin where they became more wolf-like, leaving puncture wounds that must've hurt.  
  
Then, after the bones had formed, the skin grew back over the bones and fur began to sprout all over his body. By this time, most of his clothing was torn beyond repair, but the fur sent it all to shreds. Then Remus's eyes narrowed and became more yellow, and his teeth lengthened and sharpened.  
  
All in all, it was a very gruesome, very painful looking transformation. The others felt glad that they did not have to go through half that pain when they transformed into their own animals.  
  
When the transformation was done, Padfoot cautiously approached the wolf. The wolf recognized him immediately, and Moony sprung at him and began licking his face. Prongs and Wormtail sensed that they were safe and approached the other two.  
  
The night went well, with no incident whatsoever. None of the three Animagus felt the need to change back into a human, and Moony inflicted no pain on himself for the first time in all the transformations he could remember. Sure, there were the few cuts and scratches from the transformation, but there was nothing otherwise. For the first time, he truly enjoyed being a wolf.

* * *

To say the least, Madame Pomfrey was surprised when Remus walked out of the tree on his own that morning with nary a cut or scratch--all the ones Remus did have were healed immediately by Sirius right after Remus changed back. Madame Pomfrey did a cursory check of Remus, but couldn't even find a bruise to show that he had a transformation.  
  
When asked about this, Remus merely smiled and said, "It just didn't seem so bad anymore to be a wolf, so I didn't need to hurt myself." Madame Pomfrey sighed out of exasperation, then let Remus go back up to the dorm. It was a good thing that James, Peter and Sirius were good at maneuvering so as not to hit people, otherwise Madame Pomfrey would have walked into a quite solid and quite invisible wall at least five times.

* * *

The next three transformations went well. Then it was the end of the year, and Remus and Sirius had to part company. It was sheer torture just to think about three months without the other, but to actually have to spend those three months with letters as their only connection--God was against them.  
  
They had grown much closer over the past few months, becoming more and more like a couple. Though they weren't officially dating, and Sirius would still go on his midnight escapades, they snogged nearly every night. The wolf cried out for Sirius, but Remus wouldn't let the wolf be in control when they were kissing.  
  
Kissing wasn't even the right word for it. They didn't kiss--they made love. It was more than that, even, but those words were the closest that came to describing it. No one but James and Peter knew about their tiny affair, but even those two didn't know how deep it ran.  
  
In truth, it hurt Remus enormously just to look at Sirius when he would return late at night, always smelling of semen and sex. Remus would kiss Sirius just like any other night, but he would feel used and unwanted the entire time. Then, in the morning, he would go into the bathroom and cry. But Sirius never needed to know that--it was Remus's choice not to hurt his friend with stories about his own wants and needs.  
  
Also, their affair had never deepened past French kissing, which only happened after about a month. They didn't even grope one another, though Remus often had the mind to make the first move. It hurt Remus to know that he wasn't what Sirius truly wanted, what Sirius had weekly--sex.  
  
Still, even though Remus was almost relieved to not have to know about every time Sirius had sex, it was hard to leave his best friend and secret romance. He didn't want to have to spend three months without even the faintest scent of Sirius, and he certainly didn't want to have to go back to hurting himself every transformation.  
  
That was another thing. Having James, Sirius and Peter there every transformation really helped. Remus never hurt himself, but rather had fun. They had even ventured out into the forest on the last full moon, far away from any civilization. They had romped and played, and had been a pack. James, Sirius and Peter were his pack, and he knew that. The wolf knew that.  
  
Madame Pomfrey had become less and less surprised when Remus came back unscathed. She still made a cursory check of his body, and showed up at the tree every time, but she stopped expecting to see large gashes that couldn't be mended by her own magic. She even stopped remarking on how much Remus was improving in his transformations.  
  
Remus stood on the platform, waiting for the train to come up. Sirius was standing to one side, and James and Peter were on the other. They were also reluctant to leave their Moony, and afraid of what Remus would do to himself without them.  
  
Sirius stood as close as he could get without seeming like he was hovering, protecting or being just plain strange. They had all decided to get the last compartment and lock it to all intruders, but Sirius wanted that more than any of them put together.  
  
Finally the train pulled up and they boarded, choosing the very last compartment in the entire train. They locked the doors, and settled back for their train ride back home.  
  
At first, the silence was strangely uncomfortable--something that hadn't happened for a very long time. Then, as the train began moving and they became more relaxed, they started talking about the year.  
  
James and Peter sat in one seat of the compartment, Sirius and Remus in the other. Sirius and Remus intertwined their hands and sat thigh to thigh, but they made no move to kiss or show any other affection. Near the end of the ride, James motioned to Peter and the two left them alone for the last few minutes of the train ride.  
  
"Sirius..." said Remus, resting his head on the taller boy's shoulder. "I don't want you to leave me."  
  
Sirius stroked Remus's hair and murmured into it, "And I don't want to leave you, either."  
  
Remus looked up to Sirius. "I won't be able to sleep, even with my Mom there." Sirius nodded and told him it would be the same.  
  
They sat the next few moments in silence. Somehow--neither knew quite when they started--they were kissing. It wasn't rough or passionate, just a plain kiss. It was something they needed, but it was almost habit. And Remus hated it.  
  
"Sirius, we have to stop this," Remus said as he pulled away, putting distance between them. "I can't go on like this anymore."  
  
Sirius looked down at Remus, thoroughly confused. "What do you mean, Remy? What has to stop?"  
  
"Us. It won't work, and for more than one reason."  
  
Sirius took Remus's hands in his own, but Remus pulled away. "Why? Why won't it work, Remus?"  
  
"Well, for one, I'm a werewolf. That just doesn't work, Sirius, if you haven't noticed. Two, you obviously don't want me." Remus explained at Sirius's confused look. "You go out once a week and sleep with some random girl or guy, and then you come back and give me a good snog before going to sleep. But did you ever think that you going out and sleeping with others would hurt me?"  
  
Sirius drew back, suddenly realizing what he had done thoughtlessly. "I didn't think--"  
  
Remus interrupted. "That's right, Sirius. You didn't think." This had quickly become more heated than Remus had first intended, but he couldn't stop himself. "Why don't we end this right here, so that neither of us gets hurt more. We can still be friends, but nothing more, okay Sirius?"  
  
Sirius had gone numb from the moment Remus pulled away, but this hit him like a jackhammer. "Friends?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper. "Sure, Remy. Just friends. Like before, right?"  
  
Remus nodded. This hurt him as much, if not more than it hurt Sirius, but it had to be done, he realized. This had to stop before it got out of hand, but he hadn't seen that before. Now that he had seen it, it was all to clear what he must do. End this relationship and just be friends was obviously the best course, said Remus's practical side, even though the other half of him screamed out to say "Screw it!" and fuck out Sirius's brains. The wolf agreed with that half. But in the end, Remus only sighed and walked out of the compartment, leaving Sirius there--alone.

* * *

The summer was hard on Sirius, and harder on Remus. Neither slept much all summer, and both worried about the other's health. They still owled each other, even if the letters were filled of meaningless nonsense and babble. Neither wanted to admit they wanted--no, needed the other, even though it really hurt them both to realize that they could never have each other again. The only letters that weren't filled with meaningless nonsense were the ones on the nights of the full moon...but Remus never responded to those ones.  
  
Remus sat on his bed, head in his hands and tears streaming down his face. Yes, the practical side of him said, "No more Sirius, end of story. What if you hurt him or killed him?" Every other part of him, including the wolf just wanted to send Sirius a letter saying, "I'm sorry, I'm stupid, please have me back." It was a good thing Remus had his mother, or he would have gone insane over the summer.  
  
Remus looked up at the sound of his mother calling. "Remus! It's time to leave, or you'll miss the train!"  
  
Oh yes. The train. They were leaving today to go back to Hogwarts. Truth be told, he was being pulled in two directions--one part said, "Yes! I'm going back to school with my friends and Sirius!" and the other part said, "I don't want to see Sirius, I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to hurt myself."  
  
Remus sighed and pulled himself off his bed, combed out his hair and went downstairs. "Let's go, Mom," he said in a resigned voice. "May as well get it over with."  
  
That was the last straw for Aria. "Sit, Remus, right now. And tell me what the hell is going on."  
  
Remus looked up at his Mom, thoroughly surprised. She never cursed, end of story. It was just--wrong! So, instead of angering his mother any further, he sat down and told her--everything. He told her that his friends knew about his 'sickness,' that he was in love with Sirius Black, and why he couldn't have Sirius Black, as well as anything else that came to mind.  
  
"Remy, dear," said his Mom, glancing at the clock. They would have to hurry to get to the platform. "No matter how bad you feel, you need to know you did the right thing."  
  
Remus nodded. "The wolf doesn't believe it, and I only believe half of it myself."  
  
Aria nodded, understanding. "I know, Remus, but you have to understand that you could seriously hurt someone that way."  
  
Even though it wasn't a direct mention to Sirius, the word she said sounded so much like it. Remus broke down and cried right in front of his mother. "I know, Mommy, but I want him so bad. You don't even know--the wolf drives me crazy with its instincts, and the rest of me yearns for him every minute, but I know I can't have him!"  
  
Aria took her son in her arms and held him as he sobbed, comforting her little boy. Teenage hormones could be made so much worse by the wolf, and she had had a hard time being a teen without the wolf. "Shh, baby, it's alright." They rocked back and forth for a few minutes, then as Remus's tears dried up they headed to the car. It was going to be a long, hard fourth year for Remus Lupin.

* * *

The train ride was about as uncomfortable as it could get. Sirius and Remus barely even exchanged polite greetings, and sat on opposite sides of the compartment the entire ride. James and Peter tried to get the others to talk to each other, but it was a lost cause--they wouldn't even look at each other for more than a moment.  
  
Many times, Sirius thought about disregarding their entire decision and jumping Remus with a heated kiss, but each time he came close to doing it he thought about how Remus would react, and he didn't want to make things worse than they already were--not that they could get much worse, mind you.  
  
That night, Remus looked longingly at Sirius's bed, then crawled dejectedly into his own. It wouldn't be right, in their current condition, to provoke Sirius by sleeping with him. And personally, Remus was terrified what they wolf would do if given half a chance. It was a good thing the full moon was a full two weeks away, or Remus might have had a hard time fending off his feelings for the other boy.  
  
Sirius closed the curtains around his bed when he saw that Remus wouldn't be joining them and put a silencing charm around his bed. Then he began crying loudly, getting all his grief out as best he could. Then, an hour or so later, he took the silencing charm off and tried to sleep, another one of those lost causes. He hadn't slept well all summer without Remus, and he had hoped that it would go back to the old ways, but it didn't look like he would be getting much sleep all the school year, either.  
  
Just as Sirius was drifting off into a restless doze, a small, almost unnoticed sound drifted to him. He listened harder for a while, then discovered what it was. There, one bed away, was Remus crying. That kept him up the rest of the night, even hours after Remus had stopped.

* * *

The next morning Sirius was almost falling asleep in the cereal he was trying to eat. At one time, his hand slipped and he landed face first in the bowl of mushy cereal, which had been sitting there too long to be any good anymore.  
  
James looked worriedly at his friend. "Sirius, you alright?"  
  
Sirius tried to say yes but it came out more as a grunt. His eyes drifted closed for a short moment, then flickered open as he tried to stay awake.  
  
"You sure? Those bags under your eyes were intense yesterday, but today they're horrible."  
  
Sirius nodded, trying to brush away the sleep. He looked around for Remus, but the golden-haired boy was nowhere to be seen.  
  
James sat down in front of Sirius and smacked him upside the head. "Alright. What'd you do this time?"  
  
Sirius was suddenly awake (or at least the most awake he'd been in a week). "What do you mean, James?"  
  
"What the hell did you do to Remus? Neither of you have spoken, you both look like you didn't get any sleep all summer and you're both moping around the campus like you just found out that Trelawny girl was your fiancee or something."  
  
Sirius made a face, then sighed. "No, James, Remus and I are just in a-- difficult spot."  
  
"What the hell? The last time I saw you two, you were turning blue in the face from lack of air, and your tongues were definatly down the other's throat!"  
  
"We--kind of decided to end it." Then Sirius told James everything since the train ride. James was the first person Sirius told, so this was like a load off his shoulders, even if it didn't really lighten the burnden.  
  
"Oh," said James when Sirius had stopped. "That explains a lot."  
  
Sirius nodded and shoved his cereal out of the way. He then commenced to rest his head on the table and pity himself. "The worst thing, James, is that I can't sleep without him there anymore. All summer I tried to just sleep with people. Most of the time, I didn't even have sex! It felt wrong to do that, knowing how Remus felt about it. I mean, some people insisted, but when I could I would just lay there and spoon a person. But most of the time, I couldn't get a wink of sleep! I even tried having my dog sleep with me. I tried transforming, but that didn't even help."  
  
"That's harsh, Siri. What are you going to do about it?"  
  
Sirius looked up, tears streaming down his face. "What can I do? He made it pretty damn clear he wanted to end it!"  
  
"Look, Sirius, he was just being irrational. You have to go talk to him, ask him if he really meant it. It was probably one of those spur-of-the- moment things, and those never end up well. So just go talk to him, tell him how you feel and ask him to reconsider his decision. And tell him about the sex thing--it would probably help. You didn't know that it bothered him, even if you were being completely dense--you never sleep with someone when you have a relationship with someone else--that should be common sense, Sirius!"  
  
"I know. I realize that now--it's just that no one ever told me that it was wrong, and I think--I think I didn't want to make Remus lose his virginity, to take out pent-up sexual frustrations, I took them out on other people. Remus is a very arousing guy, you know."  
  
"No, I wouldn't know, because I'm definitely straight."  
  
Sirius sighed and waved his hands. "Yeah, whatever. You're missing out big time."  
  
James laughed and walked away. He passed Remus on his way out the door and waved the boy over. "Hey, Remy, you need to lighten up, 'kay? I just talked to Sirius and--he really didn't mean to hurt you. Just, just go talk to him, 'kay?"  
  
Remus looked somewhat confused, but went to talk to Sirius anyways. "Hey Sirius, what's up? You look kinda down." God, Remus thought, that sounded corny.  
  
Sirius looked up, surprised at hearing Remus's voice. "Oh. Hi Remus. I--I just want you to know that I--I didn't know it hurt you."  
  
Remus sat down next to Sirius. "What do you mean?" he asked. This was a new development.  
  
"I didn't know it would hurt you--to know I slept with others. I honestly didn't know it was bad, and I'm sorry. Please forgive me?"  
  
Remus looked at Sirius and smiled. Some people could be so thick--how could Sirius not know? But that was what Remus loved about Sirius. "No worries-- you're forgiven."  
  
As Sirius went to kiss Remus, though, he put up his hand. "That doesn't mean we're dating again, Sirius. Don't take it that way, please." Remus fought to keep his voice from cracking, but it didn't work.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Sirius, completely and utterly lost. "Why not?"  
  
Remus looked up, sorrow written in every move he made. "Sirius," he said, his voice a whisper. "I am a werewolf. People don't love or date werewolves, end of story. So don't make it harder on me than it already is."  
  
Tears welled up in Sirius's eyes, even though he fought to keep them down. "I don't give a damn what the rest of society thinks! I love you Remus, I do!"  
  
"I know, Sirius," he said quietly. "I love you, too. But that doesn't change things. What if I hurt you, or killed you--or worse, transformed you?"  
  
"I don't care! I'll take any risk, just to be with you, Remy! Any risk at all! It doesn't matter what you are, but who you are--the rest is just what comes with it. I'd rather have the good with the bad--that's what makes you you, Remus, and I love you--all of you."  
  
Remus was the one with tears in his eyes now. "I know, Siri. I know--but I don't want to hurt you."  
  
"Don't you see, Remus?" asked Sirius in a hateful tone. It made Remus's heart wrench to know that tone was directed to him. "You are hurting me! It hurts me just to be away from you, for any amount of time. I'd rather take the risk of being hurt than be hurt all the time because you don't want to hurt me. Does that makes sense?"  
  
A single tear streaked down his cheek. "Yes, but it doesn't change things. I'm sorry, Sirius. Get some sleep tonight, okay? You're lookin pretty bad."  
  
With that, Remus stood up and walked away. Sirius looked around, but no one had heard them, or if someone did hear them they were staying quiet. Sirius put his head in his hands and cried, not caring who saw him. It didn't matter anymore--the only things that mattered was that Remus wouldn't have him.

* * *

**A/N:** I made it nice and long so you people would love me (at least, I think it's long). Therefore, please review. I live on reviews. Without reviews, my ego deflates and I become sad, and when my ego deflates and I become sad, then I don't write, which causes you to not review...and then it goes in a big, un-happy circle. See? It's best to review. Even the penguins that are out to kill me agree.   
**A/N2:** To **Wendera Jade,** **Taku **and **Nya**, thank you for your corrections in _this_ chapter. I say everyone should give them (and the other people who gave me corrections) a big round of applause.  
**A/N3: On that note, thank you to all those people who DO review YAY! Big kudos for you! Cookies all around! (Except for Dave, if she happens to be in the audience. Keep the cookies from her.)**


	6. Dying in Hell

**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** Nope. Still not mine, still flat broke. So please, don't set the hounds loose on me. I do like living.  
**Dedication**: To my cat, Clawed, who shall be leaving me soon. He doesn't get along well with our other animals. I love him--he keeps me company when I'm on the computer late at night and when I'm reading in my room.  
**A/N:** Really quick, I have a couple of notes. **Wendra Jade:** It's as good as fixed. Thanks for pointing it out. **Taku:** Again, thanks for pointing it out; obviously, my spell checker isn't that good. **kkatastrophe:** I know, don't you love Petey's name? **Nya:** Thanks so much, for both your praise and your criticism. I don't have a beta, so it's hard for me to catch those things. (tear) Sirius is as good as smacked. **To all my other readers:** I loved your reviews! They make me smile and want to write more!  
**A/N2: **Okay, there are a couple places where there should be thoughts, but I don't think I caught them all. When I swicth the chapters from one computer to another, they tend to lose all of their earlier format.

* * *

One good thing did come out of the talk that Sirius and Remus had. That night, as Sirius was getting ready for another long night alone, Remus timidly came up to his bed.  
  
"I, uh, couldn't get much sleep last night."  
  
Sirius smiled and gestured to his bed, which felt strangely empty without Remus. Remus crawled under the covers with a large smile on his face. "Thanks, Siri. I know it's hard."  
  
That was the last thing they said about dating. They slept together all the following nights, even though it was hard on both sides to keep their hands off each other. As a result they didn't touch as much as they did in the past, but it was still a comfort to know the other was there and be able to feel the body heat, no matter how faint it was. They both slept much better from then on.  
  
The first full moon came quickly, being only two weeks after the beginning of the term. Around three they all went down into the Shrieking Shack, and an hour later Remus appeared, led by Madame Pomfrey.  
  
"Now Remus, I know you've been doing better lately, but I'm still going to lock this door as a precaution. I'll see you in the morning, hopefully in tact."  
  
Remus nodded and watched as Madame Pomfrey left, then waited to hear her lock the door and walk away. When he could hear no more footsteps, even with his wolf-enhanced hearing, he said, "It's alright, guys, she's gone."  
  
The other three came out from under the cloak, stretching from their cramped positions. It wasn't easy having three people under that thing. Sirius went up to Remus, and James and Peter followed.  
  
"So," asked James, "how were the transformations over the summer?"  
  
"Horrible," said Remus, thinking back to the three moons he had to endure without his friends. "I tore myself up every time, and worse than before."  
  
Sirius nodded. He thought that might have happened--that was the one downfall to his plan. "Sorry we couldn't be there, Remy."  
  
"It's alright--I survived, didn't I?" Remus didn't mention the worst part, fearing it would hurt Sirius too much. During the transformations, Remus was controlled by the wolf, and his practical side was pushed back and torn apart by the wolf's anger. That was the one thing Remus feared tonight-- sure, he wouldn't hurt himself, but he didn't want to know what the wolf would do to Sirius. A few times he had contemplated telling Sirius not to come, but he figured the wolf would be more angry at that and hurt Remus more.  
  
Soon it was time for the other three to transform into their designated animals. A few minutes later, Remus was going through the painful transformation of human to wolf--not many people realized how different the skeletal structures of the two were, but Remus knew that they were beyond different--they were opposite. No two bones were put together the same, and often the wolf had a bone that Remus wouldn't have as a human, and vice versa. Altogether it was terribly painful.  
  
Remus was right--the first thing the wolf did was go up to Sirius and nuzzle the boy. Remus was able to keep the wolf from having sex with the dog, but that was only from much reasoning and telling the wolf that Sirius was not a girl, and it would be much harder for a wolf to have anal sex with a dog. Pity, said the wolf. It'd be very interesting.  
  
The dog drew away though, much to Remus's relief and equal disappointment. A year ago, Remus had told Sirius that the wolf controlled everything when he was transformed, and that the wolf often had completely different desires from Remus.  
  
Remus knew it was for the best that Sirius pulled away, even though it hurt immensely. Remus knew that all Sirius wanted was what the wolf was offering, but he also knew that Sirius loved him too much to go against Remus's will--even if it meant not getting the one thing he desired most in the world.  
  
That morning, Remus came out physically unscathed from the transformation, if not mentally. The wolf was hurting him inside, as much as it could. It was tearing him apart on the inside, saying that he was worthless and a complete idiot--and even though Remus agreed with the wolf fully, his practical side wouldn't let him do anything about it.  
  
That night, Remus put a pillow between himself and Sirius. Sirius didn't say anything, but Remus could feel the sorrow radiating off of him. Instead of putting the normal distance between them, however, Remus snuggled up next to the pillow, which was in turn pushed up against Sirius.  
  
Sirius pulled away. "No. If I can't have you, don't try to tempt me."

* * *

Remus cried that night--but that was the last night he cried over Sirius for a long while. Remus noticed that Sirius had stopped going out at night. One day, while walking down to lunch, he overheard a conversation between two girls.  
  
"Did you hear about Sirius?" one asked.  
  
"No, what happened?"  
  
"He stopped dating around! Maria, the one from Ravenclaw, even asked him up to the Tower, and he refused her immediately. She said that he said 'I'm not a slut, whore or sex toy, so don't think about asking. I've stopped.' He doesn't even kiss other girls anymore, which he's done since the first year! I mean, it's Sirius--if you don't want to have sex, he still snogs your brains out."  
  
"Really? Do you think he's in love?"  
  
"That's the rumor. Some say she refused him, and others say she doesn't go here. I just think that Sirius wants to show her he cares, but doesn't know how."  
  
But he is showing that he cares, thought Remus. He is, and it hurts. But that doesn't change things--does it?  
  
Remus went down to the Gryffindor table and looked sideways at Sirius, who was deep in conversation with James about Quidditch. _I've noticed, Sirius, but don't waste your time. I'm really not worth it._

* * *

Sirius barely glanced up as Remus sat down, even though he felt the wolf's presence immediately. It was like a disease--Sirius always knew where he was, what he was doing. When Remus entered the room, Sirius knew it instantly, and though he would resume what he was doing without faltering, he always took note of where the wolf was, what he was doing. If he looked around the room, his eyes always made sure he knew where the wolf was. If Remus left the room, Sirius saw him walk to the door and knew where he was going afterwards.  
  
One day, a couple weeks after the last full moon, Sirius was talking with James about their favorite muggle game (James voted Baseball, but Sirius said Kayaking), when James changed the conversation out of the blue. Remus had just walked in, and though Sirius had only looked up for an instant, his best friend took notice of it.  
  
"Sirius, when are you going to talk to him about it?"  
  
Sirius looked at James with a pleading look. "I have talked to him about it, James. He wouldn't believe me."  
  
"Make him believe, Siri."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Prove it to him. Give him flowers every day, sing sappy love songs. Do something at least--I can't stand to watch you mope around like this!"  
  
"Whatever, James. You don't really understand, okay? It's a lost cause. It's not meant to be."  
  
James patted Sirius's shoulder and stood up. "Then make it meant to be, boy. You decide your own fate." James walked off, leaving a very thoughtful Sirius behind. It's always bad when Sirius is thoughtful--it's a dangerous thing.  
  
That night, Sirius went to bed planning. He couldn't help the sly grin that crept across his face--and he didn't want to get it off. It had been a long time since he had gone to bed with a smile on his face, and longer since he had smiled--truthfully smiled--around Remus. It was just so hard to be happy around the one person you loved when they wouldn't have you.  
  
The smile was infectious. "What are you so happy about, Sirius?" asked Remus as he crawled into bed.  
  
"Nothing. Nothing at all."  
  
"Now why don't I believe you?" asked Remus, throwing a pillow at his friend.  
  
"Because I'm never up to any good? Because you know me too well? Because when this furtive smile creeps across my face everyone should run and hide?"  
  
Remus nodded. "Yeah, that's about it." Sirius's smile grew wider--this was one of those few times in which he felt normal around Remus, when they could actually joke--when the discomfort was pushed back just enough for them to have fun.  
  
They crawled into bed the happiest they had been in a while, and somehow, Sirius knew his plan--however rough, childlike and mushy--would work. It just had to.  
  
Then Remus spoke up. "Sirius, I have a question to ask."  
  
"Yeah?" asked Sirius dreamily. Whatever it was, it couldn't ruin his good mood.  
  
"Did you really stop dating and sleeping around?"  
  
Well, there went Sirius's smile. "Yeah. I did." His voice was softer, huskier.  
  
Remus could tell he went too far, but the damage was done. Well, fix what you could. "Thanks, Sirius. Thanks."

* * *

A week later, and the plans were in place. James had helped him, along with his now-steady girlfriend, Lily Evans, a pretty little redhead that Sirius had once snogged in a broom closet--that was uncomfortable.  
  
Lily nervously twisted her hands. "How can you be so calm, Sirius?"  
  
Sirius smiled up at her, hope reflecting in his eyes. "Because it has to, Lily. It just has to."  
  
James smiled and wrapped his arm around his girlfriend. "Lily, I'll have you know that Sirius and Remus are meant to be together. They sleep together every night, and they used to hang out more than you would ever know. For a few months, they even snogged every night. You should hear the way they talk about each other, or see the way the look at each other when they think no one's looking or paying close attention."  
  
"Well, you've convinced me. So, when will he get here?"  
  
"He'll be here in a few minutes. So I guess I need to hide under the cloak."  
  
Sirius pulled the invisibility cloak over his shoulders and snuggled up inside a corner. They had decided to have the meeting place in the Library, as not many people would be there. James had asked Remus for help on a potions problem to get him there, but would say that he had forgot pen and paper to work it out--hopefully Remus wouldn't bring any with him. If he did, James would just make up an excuse to leave.  
  
All went according to plan. James asked Remus to stick around while he went to the common room to retrieve his things--not that he would come back, mind you. Sirius waited a few moments, watching as Remus relaxed in a chair, pushing it back and resting it against the wall with his feet propped up on the table.  
  
"Sirius, go ahead and come out already." Sirius was snapped out of his daze- -what did Remus say? "Sirius, I know you're there. Now come out from under the cloak where I can see you."  
  
Sirius took off the cloak. This wasn't going exactly as planned, but that was alright. "How'd you know it was me, Remus?"  
  
"Remember what I am, Sirius? I can smell like no other."  
  
They both shared an uneasy laugh. "I should've guessed."  
  
Then there was more uncomfortable silence. "So, why am I here--I know you wouldn't have James and Lily lure me here just to hide under a cloak and watch me."  
  
"Why wouldn't I do that?" asked Sirius innocently.  
  
"It's not like you."  
  
"Alright. Then let's go ahead and go if you're so anxious."  
  
"Where are we going?" Remus let his chair down and stood up, straightening his robes as he went.  
  
"That's for me to know and you to find out."  
  
"Please tell me, Siri," whined Remus, a puppy-dog look coming across his face.  
  
"No. You see, that's the fun part--watching you squirm because you don't know what's going on is priceless." Sirius snickered when he saw Remus's face drop into a scowl.  
  
The walked for a few minutes in silence, Remus just a step behind Sirius. "So, where are we going?" he asked, just to see if his luck had changed.  
  
"Nope. You're not going to trick me into telling you."  
  
"Darn."  
  
Their path took them outside, and Sirius dropped back so his step was even with Remus's. "Just a little farther, I promise."  
  
"Can't you just give me a hint?"  
  
"No."  
  
They reached the lake a little before dusk, just in time to see the waxing moon peek its way over the horizon. The sun was turning the sky a deep, reddish-purple, which was slowly turning to the deep blue-black of the night sky.  
  
There, sitting on the shore of the lake, was a little dingy. It was made for three people: one to row while the other two relaxed. There, James was sitting with the oars in his hands, ready to go.  
  
"Sirius, what are you doing, and why did you drag James into this?" asked Remus in a reprimanding tone.  
  
"James volunteered, and you'll see soon enough."  
  
"I don't want to see. And I don't want you to try and change my mind about us."  
  
Sirius took both of Remus's hands in his own. "Remus, I promise--if this doesn't change your mind, then I won't try any more, ever again. We'll just be friends--please, just hear me through tonight." Sirius's eyes went wide, and his lips puckered just enough--and Remus nodded his consent.  
  
Sirius jumped up and kicked his heels twice, then bustled Remus over to the boat. "I promise you'll love it Remus, I promise!"  
  
Remus sighed and situated himself low in the boat--the wolf didn't much like the water, though it didn't mind it too terribly to get in the water for its Sirius. Sirius shoved off and jumped in the boat, splashing only a little water onto Remus.  
  
As James rowed them out to the middle of the lake, complete silence reigned in the boat. Remus sat on the bottom twiddling his thumbs, and Sirius watched the nervous boy with adamant anticipation.  
  
"Well, I guess I'll be leaving you," said James. He stood up, bringing the oars with him.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Remus suddenly, standing up. He reached for the side as the boat rocked back and forth. "Why are you leaving?"  
  
"Hey, it's all part of the plan." With that, James threw himself overboard and began swimming to shore. There was only one problem--he had taken the oars with him, and while swimming had dropped them in the middle of the lake, where Remus couldn't get to them before they sank if he tried. Damn all metal oars.  
  
It's a good thing those oars will magically wash up on shore later, or Filch'd have our heads, thought Remus. Too bad they don't magic themselves to the boat.  
  
Remus sat down, thoroughly exasperated. "You better have a good reason for this, or I'll go ahead and swim back to shore--which, I want you to know, I really don't want to get wet tonight."  
  
"Just hear me out, Remus. I have a good explanation."  
  
Remus nodded his head reluctantly and sat on one of the benches. "So? What do you want to say? Go ahead and say it so I can get out of here."  
  
Sirius paused, as if looking for the words. "I--um, I guess I want to say, um--Remus, I--you're--I love you."  
  
Remus stopped playing with his hair and looked at Sirius. "What?"  
  
"Ah, damn!" exclaimed Sirius, hitting his hand against the side of the boat. "I mean, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I had this long speech planned and everything--but I guess I forgot it."  
  
Remus sighed. "It's alright. We can just forget it and get back to shore."  
  
Sirius stood up, shaking the boat in the process. "No!" he shouted, his voice ringing out across the water. "I mean," he said, his voice considerably quieter, "I don't want to forget it. Remus, I love you, and I know you love me back--so why won't you just forget about hurting me and kiss me? Wait, don't answer that. I know your answer. Instead, tell me this. Do I really disgust you so much that you won't even consider having me?"  
  
By this time, the boat had calmed down. Sirius sat on the wooden seat next to Remus and took his hands, pleading with his eyes for Remus to understand. "No, Sirius. There hasn't been a time since I met you that I haven't liked you. But just because I like you doesn't mean I can have you."  
  
Sirius drew back. "Remus, if you keep fearing things that you haven't tried, you'll never get anywhere if life. If you give up on something, on this, on us, then you're proving yourself to be what I know you don't want to be--a person who will go through life wondering, 'What would have happened if I had done that?' If we don't take this chance now, then we might never have another chance--but if we do risk it, then we can always go back, a little hurt but somewhat wiser."  
  
Remus looked away, then back at Sirius. The stars were beginning to come out. "Don't you understand, Sirius? If you take a chance with me, there's the risk you won't be able to regret it anyways. If you take this risk, you might not even come out of it alive. I could transform you Sirius, don't you get it? If we got too carried away, then you could become a werewolf, and trust me--you don't want that."  
  
Sirius paused, leaning his head back to look at the stars. When he spoke again, Remus had to strain to hear him. "Remus, I read up on Werewolves. I know that you mate for life, no matter whom you have sex with first."  
  
Remus nodded. That was a well known fact for most people, though many did not know the other half.  
  
"I also know that often, if a person does not have sex first, the wolf side of a person will choose its mate--sometimes a person the human likes, sometimes not. But no matter what, the person has a hard time finding some one else--if they do at all. I know that if the wolf and human agree on a mate, its often just as bad, if not worse than mating, than having sex-- because they can't even shop around to know if it's right or not."  
  
Remus was sitting stock still--he had underestimated Sirius. The black- haired boy had done something unlike himself--researched a topic until there was nothing more to be learned, then remembered the knowledge to be used later. Remus made a mental note to never underestimate Sirius again.  
  
"And I know that you love me, Remus." Sirius brought out some flowers from behind his back. They were Lupins, sweet smelling but dangerous as all get out.  
  
"Sirius, how can we be so young and so sure we're in love?"  
  
"I don't know--all I do know is that I do love you."  
  
Remus looked up at Sirius, then back to the flowers. "Sirius, how do you know when you're in love?"  
  
"I don't think you say to yourself 'I'm in love,' and be done with it. And I know you don't just stumble across it."  
  
"Then what is it?"  
  
"I think--" began Sirius, his voice becoming more confidant, "I think you just know. It's when you wake up every day thinking about one person, and go to bed thinking about that same person. It's when you fill up every waking moment of thought that's not used for school or other required things with that person, and even some of the time in which you're supposed to be doing things." Sirius paused for some breath, and when he spoke his mouth was right up against Remus's ear. "It's when you're fine before you meet the person, and live a perfectly ignorantly blissful life, but when you do find that person you see what you were missing, see what you needed in life. And you know that if you're ever taken away from each other, forced out of the other's company for one reason or another, you can never be a whole person again. And when you're not a whole person, you can never be happy."  
  
"So," concluded Remus, his breath coming short, "when you're in love, you know that, no matter what, if you're taken away from that person you'll be in a living hell."  
  
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's love."  
  
"Well then, Sirius, I'm pretty damned screwed, because I'm dying here in hell."  
  
With every word, their mouths inched closer and closer. Just before the gap was closed between them, Sirius whispered, "So am I."  
  
The kiss was perfect. Though Remus hadn't kissed Sirius in close to six months, he still remembered exactly how those lips tasted and exactly where to put his hands. He knew exactly where to touch to make Sirius melt, and noticed that Sirius remembered where to touch to make Remus do the same.  
  
Soon the boat, lake, flowers and missing oars were long forgotten in the heated kiss the two young lovers were sharing. Remus's hands began traveling up Sirius's shirt, tugging at it to come loose. He had no intentions of having sex that night, but he may as well have a little fun, right?  
  
Sirius's hands stroked up and down Remus's sides. No one would ever, in his entire life be able to change his mind about this moment. If he fell in love with another person tomorrow (which would take a whole lot of magic and some very bad luck on his side), he would always know that at this point in time, he was definitely, by far and away, irreversibly head-over- heels in love with Remus J. Lupin. And that was all that mattered.  
  
If you had asked either boy what night of their life was the best, which one they wished they could relive just once before they died, both would have said, "The night that I found out what true love means."  
  
About half an hour later, the sun long gone and the moon rising higher and higher in the sky, Remus stopped leaving searing wet kisses down Sirius's bare chest and looked up and his partner. He began fiddling with the long black hair, turning and twisting it into knots.  
  
"How are we going to get back to shore?" he asked nonchalantly, looking right into his lover's widening eyes.  
  
Sirius sat bolt up-right. "Shit."

* * *

**A/N2:** The end! Wasn't that sweet? I think it was. Please, as thanks for me slaving away at the computer, write me a pretty little review, just to make sure all my effort didn't go to waste. Also, there's another pretty little Remy/Siri fic that I have, as well as a couple others that I somehow managed to drudge up. If you want to see story updates or how my weird mind works, go to my profile page and click on the link to one of the journals. 


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